| Deviant Login | Shop | Join deviantART for FREE  |
Take the Tour  |
The Reluctant VampireComments My God! This is so awesome, it is almost better than the Avatar fanart you have! I really love the story, though, I do agree with FuzzyNecromancer, it does drag on a little, though if it were made into a film or something, it would be awesome! LOVE!
 I am really enjoying TRV so far, especially how your main character is a cheerleader. Cheerleaders in fiction tend to suffer from being shut into very specific boxes, but you've made a great sympathetic character who is badass despite the cheerleader stigma. I can't wait to see more.
 The premise is appealing, the heroine sympathetic, and there are some funny moments. That said, I think your series suffers from big pacing problems, and most of the magical plot elements are needless convoluted and drag down the story.
 You're definitely right, pacing is my biggest problem, something Imma have to rework later. Thanks for reading!
Are you looking for constructive criticism, or do you have a clear idea of where you want to take it?
I think that you could cut the magical cousin entirely without losing anything from the story. As it is, she introduces a great many digressionary elements that bog down the narrative, and she has absolutely no personality or purpose beyond that of an exposition-delivery system. You could easily have the same information delivered smoother and swifter by the vampire who turns her or a genre-savvy friend. The faster she has to confront the issue on her own, the quicker the plot will take off, then humor and character growth can ensue.
I realize, however, that you probably have bigger plans for the other magical elements, and may not want to take such drastic measures. As it is, I think the way she is turned seems needlessly convoluted. Thanks for the critique! You were right, i do have plans for all those characters, but I'll definitely try to smooth things out in Claire's turning and try not to make Sedah a talk-box next time around! Thanks!
|
I can't wait to see more of it
